When I allowed myself to be gay
I’m just going over a little gay bit of my book when characters are, let’s say, discovering themselves, when I remembered a little thought I had way back when, when I allowed myself to be gay.
See I’d always known, really. I mean I used to pretend it wasn’t happening, I remember once when I was about 11 or 12, I was in my local library and had looked through a book about being a teenager (as you do,) and it said about some people being gay, and I remember panicking then, really panicking, walking about in the library muttering to myself that it wouldn’t be me. I used to try and fantasise about women, had a big poster of britney in her little leather shorts and wet shirt on the back of my door for “inspiration” if you follow me. But it always came back round to men. I might try thinking about buffy (another pretend crush,) but suddenly i’d be thinking about xander, or riley, or angel, or all three of them together (not spike though, don’t know why.) But even when my mind would slip into these gay thoughts, I’d always drag myself back out of them, and sort of go “no, come on matthew, you’re not thinking about that.”
See I always knew I wanted to be in a relationship. Loads of people at my school were in relationships and I was jealous, just jealous of their intimacy. I wanted that. I always used to imagine what it would be like to have someone to share a bed with. And I made a conscious effort to make sure that when I imagined sharing a bed with someone that it was with a girl. But I remember this one day, this marvellous day, I gave in, and I allowed myself to think, not of having some sexy time with a man as I had done so many times before, but having a relationship with a man. Sharing a bed with a man. It was brilliant. I allowed myself to do it, and it didn’t feel wrong at all. It’s crystal clear in my mind, even now. Me and this guy (he was called josh in my imagination,) had this flat, and it had this kind of dirty new york concrete loft look to it, everything was very sort of sparse and manly. And I was in the en suite brushing my teeth, and josh was asleep on the bed and then suddenly he woke up and sat up straight, and I said “Josh sweetheart, what’s wrong?” and he said “I just had a really bad dream.” He had dark blonde spikey sort of hair, and was wearing a dark grey vest and navy shorts. He looked good. Then I got into bed and we cuddled and that was that.
Such a weird thought isn’t it? Such a really random thought, I mean the NYC apartment and the bad dream thing, goodness knows where my brain got that from. But that random, crazy thought was one of the best thoughts I’ve ever had because it allowed me to be me. Or I allowed me to be me, through that thought. I think less than a month later I’d accepted it and started telling people, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I’m sure everyone must have those thoughts. We all have thoughts about our future, and the future rarely ends up to be exactly that way. But those original permissive thoughts we have, they give us some kind of impotus, some kind of strength to go forwards and find what you really want in life. I still have thoughts now. Crazy, fantastical thoughts about the future, which probably won’t come to pass exactly how I’m imagining them. But I keep them close to my heart, and I’d advise you to do the same. Because they may well come in handy.