The “Joy” of teen sex
Scared of anal intercourse? Cocky about contraception? Or just fancy getting your bits out on national tv? Then the sex advice shop is for you! Channel 4 continued with more unadulterated voyeurism last night, in the form of The Joy of Teen Sex – or lack of joy would be more apt. Definately not for the squeamish, this literally was sex rubbed right in your face.
A boarded up pub in an non-descript outskirt of London served as the location for the sex advice shop, on the outside it looked very much like a sex advice shop without the advice, and on the inside it looked more like a front room off a homebase advert. Three sex witches inhabited this domain, one a doctor, one a sex toy expert, and one just there to dish out some fruit and some hard truths.
There was a medley of people with problems on last nights show, all of whom had to stand against a rugged brick wall, pouting and posing whilst their particular problem was dispalyed in writing next to them thanks to the magic of CGI. One of my favourites was a lesbian, who looked and talked the part but didn’t quite know what to do in the bedroom, apart from pretend to be a receptionist. “I want to know about sex.” she said nervously, before finally clarifying in a defiant and brave voice, “Having sex with girls.” We were then treated to some lesbian porn, where we saw some scissoring going on, and someone having a vagina rubbed in their face. The lesbian (I can’t remember her name,) was then invited to try on a strap on, which she did, more than happily. “I’ve got a penis!” she exclaimed. No, dear, you haven’t.
We also had a young gay man who hadn’t actually done anything, despite going out as a drag queen every night. He was scared that the act itself would be too painful to bear, and so he popped into the shop to get some quick tips and have a look at some porn too. The sex toy expert made a little anus out of her fist, and asked the boy to do the same, which he did. They then spent a good few minutes rubbing lube into their pretend anus’s, and gently sticking some fingers in. At the end of the show we got a quick catch up with him, and found him still a virgin, although no longer in fear.
Then of course, how could I forget the girl who was really rather plain but apparently having loads of rampant sex, using the pill but not a condom. It seems that she had just popped into the shop to show off at how promiscuous she was, and highlight her stupidity that you could tell if someone has an STD just by what they’re wearing – as she said, “If you’re 40 and wearing a short white skirt and white hooker boots.” Our resident Doctor was on hand to dish out some disapproving looks and some graphically gruesome images of what STDS look like. “Look,” she pointed out helpfully, “You can see some warts there.” It was all too much for our plain jane/sexual predator, as she ended up breaking down in tears.
I was just left thinking, with all of these cases – couldn’t you find it out on the internet? Type herpes or genital warts into google image search and you’ll come up with the evidence, all by yourself. And what do lesbians do in bed? Hello – that’s what xtube and youporn are there for. And please, will anal sex hurt the first time – what do you think? But I would have thought the physical pain of that for a few seconds would be better than the lifelong mental scarring of going on national telly and airing your dirty laundry for all to see.
I mustn’t miss out my favourite part of the show though – their roving teenage reporter Billie, a sourfaced 15/16 year old from the home counties (wouldn’t have suprised me if her Dad was actually called Jack Wills,) who looked a long way away from the country club set when she was standing in a piercing studio watching a guy get a ring put through his unmentionables. Looking forward to seeing her next week when she attempts glamour modelling – good luck to the photographer getting a smile out of that one!