Keep the plates spinning
February plows forwards like a relentless juggernaut. Doesn’t seem two ticks ago it was all “yay! beginning of the year!” and all that January positivity – so much to do! Now, a month and a bit later it’s inevitably getting a bit trickier to maintain. In my heart I know I’m letting some bits slip away. That niggles me. Even this blog is going without of late. You wouldn’t believe it would you, I’m unemployed, I literally have nothing to do, and yet I feel like I’ve never been busier.
My mind flicks from blog to suite 101 to novel to finding a job to having a social life to worrying about money constantly. And the problem is that it flicks with such speed that by the time I’ve settled on one thing I’m feeling guilty about another and so I have to move on. I spend a day job hunting and I think “oh, but I haven’t written any articles for suite 101,” or I spend a day writing articles and I think “oh, but I haven’t applied for any jobs.” Most would say to dismiss the blog and the articles as frivellous things – luxuries of time that an unemployed man can scarcely afford. But unfortunately I made a commitment to myself, and if I give up on them entirely then how is this year different from the last? My life is littered with half started projects – no more.
My novels were sitting happily in the background for a few weeks – I felt content that one and two were done and had been sent off to an agent. Alas, I heard back the agent does not want me. I’m not crying about it, I know it’s to be expected and I take comfort in J.K’s 14 attempts or whatever it took her. But now that does mean that the novels are brought to the fore again as I need to submit them to someone else. I tempted myself by thinking about starting book three yesterday – but I held back. As much fun as I know that book is going to be to write, I think it deserves a bit more attention then I can currently give it.
Even tonight it took me half an hour to decide whether to write on here or do an article on suite. I opted for this in the end, but as I’m typing my guilt over suite is digging in. It’s too late to do one now though – I haven’t the energy. But I pledged two articles a day (in order to reach 50 by the end of the month so I can get my 10% revenue bonus,) and so far that’s not going to plan – haven’t done any today! Grrrrrrrrrrr. I’m always judging myself harshly when it comes to this sort of thing. I put a lot of pressure on myself.
So, the unemployed man has a lot of plates spinning at the moment. It’s a bit of a headache, I won’t lie. They might not seems important to others, but they’re important to me, and that’s all that matters. SO I suppose if they’re that important to me, and if I’m willing to defend them against others who might belittle their worth, then I should stop moaning about the pressure and just keep spinning. I have a lot of crazy beliefs – mermaids, fairies, dinosaurs in the congo. If I can believe in all that then I should imagine I should be able to believe in myself.