Thoughts and scribblings of an overactive mind.

Shakey

Okay, I’m just feeling a bit shakey so I need to write. Just bear with me. It’s going to be a bit of a ramble, and it might not make sense, but I need to do this. It’s that time of the month again. Writers panic time. Yes, it’s the old “will I ever get published” business again. I sit and stare at my manuscript, just about held together with its treasury tags, lying there on the desk. It just looks so flat and stupid, like it’s nothing. Now in my heart I know it isn’t nothing, I know it’s so far from nothing. But some horrible part of my head says that right now it is nothing. I mean it is, isn’t it? Right now, sitting on my desk in the treasury tags, it is nothing. It’s just a mad little story that I dreamt up. And then even more horrifically that’s a reflection on me. The book is nothing because I am nothing. Blimey that’s self-involved. But then we all are really.

Oh I don’t know, I know these things can’t be rushed. I could be doing more, and I should be doing more, but I’m doing it the best I can. It’s just that niggling insecurity isn’t it? I imagine everyone feels it. Will you make a difference, will you achieve, will you make your mark and do what you want to do. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I don’t know, it’s horrible stuff. I’m certainly feeling a bit shakey at the moment, but I know it will pass. I just have to stay focused, keep faith and keep believing that I can and will acheive all that I want to. My books aren’t nothing. They’re not. They’re definately not.

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2 responses

  1. madge

    oh hun, i do know what you mean.
    Shakey’s a word I know only too well, the meaning of which has been compounded by being unemployed for so long. I have felt unsure about everything, and in my insecurity and went through a stage where I took it all out on my poor lovely long suffering boyf…it’s funny how the human mind works when it has no outlet for it’s thoughts and emotions. I watch with envy those playing to their strengths so self assured in their chosen field. You are one of them.
    Count your blessings you have found your talent and are attacking it head on, I have read some (would like to read more sometime!)of your work and believe in you in these shakey times even if you doubt yourself as we all do just remember just don’t listen to those demons, they only have power if your listening. Love and missing you xxxxx

    March 31, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    • Ahhhhh Madge. You are a very, very good friend. It is so awkward and tricky isn’t it. I mean as much talent as any of us have, as much passion as we have, we’re always waiting, waiting, waiting for some random person in authority to give us a chance or give us validation. I mean I’ve written two novels now – but until some big-wig in some publishing company actually says “yep, I’ll publish you,” it’s still just some files on my computer. But I have to believe that it will happen, it will – I’ll make it happen. I’m laying the foundations for my life. But i want it all now lol…………..always impatient, always, that’s me.

      But you know, we have to stay positive. I worked with you for almost a year, I saw you pretty much every day. And I know that you’ve got SO many talents and so many abilities that you can achieve anything. You’re brilliant. One hundred per cent. It’s just getting started. That’s the bitch. Bitch with a capital Alexia. Or should that be with a capital sarah white? lol. ooh dear we were fabulous weren’t we? lol. And you know, we still are. So we’re feeling a bit shakey now, or from time to time, but I know we’ll stay steady, and we’ll make it! We’ll get there. We will. We will.

      April 3, 2011 at 7:41 pm

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