Thoughts and scribblings of an overactive mind.

Not me

I’m so not the person I want to be tonight. I’m like the complete opposite. I’m not being who I should be, not being who I want to be. And yet, for some reason, I’m revelling in it. It must be my dark side, that Id that Freud was yacking on about. The biggest question I suupose, is why? Why, why, why………..delilah, no, sorry, why – why am i being like this??? It flies in the face of everything I’m meant to be about. Wallowing around in self pity like some kind of depressed hippo. It’s a convergance of things I suppose……….although oddly until about half five today I was fine – well, I felt rough because of drinking my own body weight last night – but I didn’t feel like this, all misery moo.

In fact, earlier today I was brimming with ideas………a fantastic little idea for part of book three – really, really good. Then I had more ideas that I was trying to cram in to one thing, so I had to space it all out – it was all very exciting. Then I get home, and slowly it all just sort of peetered out. I suppose it probably had something to do with THAT email……..but I really don’t want to go into that. And then I guess that linked with something that silly old fantastic JK said on telly the other night – something about a story only coming alive if it has listeners, which is sort of exactly what I’ve been moaning about and trying to convince myself otherwise about for ages – that my books aren’t “real” – that they don’t “matter” because nobody knows about them – nobody cares. And then she goes and says it, quite concretely in front of thousands. A book isn’t alive until it has listeners. Thanks JK, made me feel really good that did. NOT.

Humph. This is turning into a right bitch and a moan. Not really what I wanted but look there we go – the evil Id coming out to play!! I’ve got to the stage now where I am actually just desperate for one person – just one person in the whole wide world to read what I’ve written and love it and want to read more and more and more. ONE person who cares, one person who wants to know what happens next. I honestly think that if I had that then it would really tide me over until I’m properly picked up by a publisher.

People tell me that I might have to compromise – to almost accept defeat – accept that The Chronicles of Darkness will never be a success and just leave it – move on to something else. But I can’t do that! How could I? How could anyone? If you create something, you have to see it through to the end – you owe yourself that and you owe your characters that. No, these books will see the light of day if it kills me………….it’s just at the moment it’s awfully, awfully dark and I don’t know when that sun is gunna come up.

One person.

One.

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