A New Year
And so we stumble into another year. I’m a mixed bag of feelings about it if I’m being honest. Quite disconcerting (and fairly telling) is that when the ten second countdown to midnight started, I got this grip of sudden sadness in my stomach and when someone said “only ten seconds left of 2011!” I felt very sad indeed, and both me and my sister-in-law went “nooo, I don’t want it to end!” After-all, it had been a good year. It’s not that I’m not hopeful about 2012 – I have hopes, ambitions, and I got my January shot of enthusiasm to get out there and get them achieved. Yet despite these hopes I feel panicked, flustered – like I’ve already bitten off more than I can chew. I feel like I have so much I want to achieve that I’m just terrified that despite my best efforts I just won’t get it all done.
None of this is helped of course by my constant (and this really is a shameful truth) fear of the impending possi-pocalypse meant to hit us in the face in December. My problem has always been my belief in almost anything, and whilst almost all the time that belief doesn’t really affect my day to day life (fairies, mermaids – yeah why not, it’s not like they’re going to come up and bite you on the nose) – this one does because somewhere in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking “I only have until December.” It’s stupid, I know it is, and I try to rationalise it, I understand that the Mayans never intended it to be a wiping out of the human race/planet goes kaboom thing, I understand that it takes 1000’s of years for the poles to reverse and I understand that if there was an unknown planet hurtling towards the earth ready to knock it out of orbit like in a game of boules we’d know about it by now. And yet it does scare me, because there’s the existance of those two most dangerous words – “What if?” The whole thought of it scares me half to death, and it’s all having a knock on affect as to how I view the year and my goals and everything else. Grumble.
I suppose I should take up the attitude that if we only have 12 months left then I had better start living it large and packing in as much life and fun as possible. I do have that thought, but then it is suffixed by the “and then we’re all going to die horribly!” thought which sort of turns it sour really.
Sorry everyone, I sort of went off on a tangent there. I am hoping that opening up about it might help, so we’ll see how we go. Mostly I’m just going to try and get on with it and forget all about it. Yes good plan. Okay so novel, that novel I’m writing – what’s that about again……..oh yeah, right – the end of the world.